To calm myself I needed to hear a song - Talking Heads, Crosseyed and Painless. I knew it was uptempo and had an atmosphere of anxiety. Also, it repeated the line "I'm still waiting," droned out by the band with a whiney intonation. Crosseyed and Painless usually puts me on edge, but today it puts me at ease.
Beyond soothing the "still waiting" prickles I was feeling about The Decision, I found the lyrics in Crosseyed and Painless spoke directly to how I felt about Northern Gateway. This was my Dark Side of Oz. Here are some spots where the plug connected to the socket:
Lost my shape-Trying to act casual
Can't stop-I might end up in the hospital
I'm changing my shape-I feel like an accident
They're back-To explain their experience
In the early stages, I supported Northern Gateway, an unpopular view in the Northwest. When friends discussed the pipeline I would either stay quiet, or try to act casual in my support, as if only trying it out for the day, or playing the devil's advocate. Always I was trying to squirm my way out of uncomfortable situations with my friends, losing my shape.
But recently, especially since my last visit to Prince Rupert, my pro-development feelings have been on the wane.
Prince Rupert is a town divided right now. After years of a stagnant economy, there has been growth, especially with our port.
Part of the population has been instrumental in developing the city's port. On the other side of the split are citizens upset with restricted waterfront access and unfulfilled promises of community benefits that were supposed to come with the development.
It's a rarity, but I've packed a bag and headed to the anti-development camp - changed my shape.
Now here I am in my truck, fresh off a look around my still recognizable, but unmistakably more Orwellian hometown. And now it's 1:30, and the panel is back to explain their experience.
There was a line - There was a formula
Sharp as a knife - Facts cut a hole in us
"Go for it," says the panel; in so many words, the answer expected by most. The CBC contacts leaders in each camp. Everyone is ready, they're sharp. Like me, they've been waiting, waiting to unleash carefully formulated talking points intended to be snagged by the media and played on newscasts for the next 24 hours. On the pro side it's Colin Kinsley from Prince George with the simple, "B.C. is open for business." Against the pipeline is Coastal First Nations director Art Sterritt, "one spill in the Great Bear Rainforest wipes out our food supply, our economy, our culture …" he says.
All sides of the debate are trying to cut into us with the "facts" - job numbers, tanker hull thickness, spill response times.
The island of doubt - it's like the taste of medicine ...
The feeling returns - whenever we close our eyes
Lifting my head - Looking around inside
As the opposition makes claims about the certainty of catastrophe, painting pictures of bleeding beached ships and a wasteland of heavy equipment and dead bears, I feel nauseous, the medicine is too strong. But I think back to Prince Rupert and I block out what the lobbyists say and try to empty my brain of every cartoonish image conjured by every opponent and proponent.
I'm left unsatisfied with the NEB's decision, unsure what the next stage of the battle will bring, unwilling to believe anything I hear from anyone. I only know that for now, nothing has been solved.
I'm still waiting ...