North - The North is certainly tough. It is the only region where humans still have altercations with wildlife on a regular basis, I personally fought 6 bears last summer. We also have the oil and gas sector in the Northeast, the huge trucks, huge muscles, and small fuses add up to scary men you want on your team. Furthermore, The North is the only region where the women are en masse as tough as the men. While shopping malls and beaches tempt the females of the south, the women of the north are more concerned with getting outside to catch some fish, and climb some mountains.
Weakness: One word: Smithers. The “Nelson of the North” is severely lacking in toughness, there is a redneck edge, but most are too concerned with the environment. Hard nosed people agree, the environment should fight it’s own battles, helping it will only increase its dependency on us.
Southern Interior - Southern B.C. is hard to pin down, there are pockets of rugged, and there are no shortage of young healthy people. All that Okanagan vanity has some traction. If there was a lot of running involved in this fight, if it went to 16 rounds, I think that the Okanagan would surprise. The region also has Williams Lake, a place with a crazy rodeo and a town that I would say learned a thing or two about toughness from its big brother, the Bad Ass Mother of all B.C. communities: Prince George.
Weakness: The retirement lifestyle. I feel bad for the old folks, but unless this fight required stirring speeches of how hard it was back in the day then I don’t think they’re going to be much help. Also what about all those subdivisions built around golf courses? They’re sucking the region dry. The troops will run out of water on the front line, leathery flesh hits the links while the infantry suffers.
Kootenays: Not too bad in the Southeast. I’ve seen those loggers at work, even heard stories of scraps in the woods between co-workers. The terrain is steep and whoever settled the place must have had a hell of a time putting in the infrastructure.
Weakness: Like the southern interior, there are lifestyle problems in the Kootenays. The whole place stinks of pacifism, of people turning the other cheek, or being too high and not even bothering with the cheek switch. For every Cranbrook donnybrook, there is a Rossland farmers market, featuring llama wool and designer garlic. It is even home to the aforementioned Nelson, A.K.A. the “Nelson of the South”
Vancouver Island: If there was some way to draw a geothermal toughness map, Vancouver Island would go from very strong in the north and fade to very weak in the south. The Island is another retirement hot spot, but it is a different breed of retiree. Many of them once worked the hard labour jobs that harnessed the riches of the land they call home. While their days are numbered they still might have a shot, this should be the region most worried with getting an expedited fight license from the government. Too much time lost and they’ll be in trouble.
Weakness: The southern portion of the Island. As I mentioned in a previous study, Victoria is an anomaly. The toughness of the province is lost in Canada’s mediterranean. While they play outdoor soccer in January the rest of us are out braving the elements, like Stallone in Cliffhanger. Also I would love to see an old island fisherman whipping a bunch of the UVIC sailing club into shape.
Lower Mainland: Hard to say how things would pan out for Vancouver and the Fraser Valley, there’s a lot of different things going on. I think an important factor would be the high number of immigrants in the area, the back stories from some of them would be enough to make many British Columbians feel soft. No shortage of ninjas in training down there too, even my friends from the north are getting involved. Vancouver would hold it’s own.
Weakness: While there are lots of bright spots for the lower mainland, there are out-of-touch-with-nature problems that plague all cities. For every cross-fitting dude, there is a metrosexual prude. For every martial artist, a marginal artist. Poems and a Prius are useless in the ring, and they clutter up every inch of this region.
So overall who gets the victory, while I don’t have time to draw out what the path is to victory, I would say that the final match would be Northern B.C. vs. Lower Mainland. The victory would go to The North for three reasons:
- We have Prince George
- We have the women
- We fight the bears