I invented a cereal today. It’s called Craisin Bran™ and it’s going to change the way we think about breakfast. The idea came to me in a dream.... no I’m kidding it’s not much of an idea. I think it had something to with raisin bran and craisins being in my cupboard at the same time. I bought some all bran bran flakes added some milk and gave it a try. The trick was to get the amount of craisins just right, I was generous with them because I wanted it to be similar to that rich vein of raisins (that sounds gross) that exists about 3/4 of the way down the box. Also I added sugar to my craisin bran, same thing I do with raisin bran. Basically I had reproduced perfect raisin bran conditions only I had swapped out my choice of dried fruit. If I was to break this down in my political science research methods class I would say that there is a causal relationship between my dependent variable (craisins) and my independent variable (the taste of bran flakes). My control variables would be milk choice and amount of sugar added.
Thank you school, money well spent.
The huge potential of craisin bran has to do with an aging population. By 2015 it is estimated that 90% of the population will be over the age of 65. What are the first two things that come to mind when you think of food and the elderly? The answer: bran and dried fruit. Well craisin bran has both of these things, and it’s different than raisin bran, but not too different, which will be a rallying point for the conservative sensibilities of seniors. If anyone can think of a good mascot, I’ll buy you a jet ski.
Besides the invention of a cereal there's been a few other thoughts regarding food this week. The first is of my experience watching the food channel. My roommate used to watch this channel all the time, on the couple mornings a week we were up at the same time it was always a battle between her food shows and my sports highlights, what a cute 1950s battle of the sexes. I think the way my roommate watched the Food Channel was a reasonably accurate representation of females watching the food channel. Girls watch it and then think they are actually going to do some of the things they do in the shows. As if they are going to hit the kitchen full of surgically clean and deathly sharp instruments and cook up some fancy breads and make some kind of thing that involves the word “fusilli” or “fricassee”. Come on girls, it’s not going to happen. I don’t watch sports highlights and think “hey, that guy just jumped over top of the defenders head to slam dunk it, maybe I should do that, I’ll just start grazing my balls over the dome of my opponent to score hoops”.
My final point has to do with ice cream. There is a great chasm in the way men and women approach ice cream. Let it be known that I am a fan of ice cream, it takes up a full 15% (25% in the summer) of the food lobe of my brain. When I browse the ice cream section of the grocery store I’m looking well beyond flavours and brands, there are equations being worked out in my head that would put Stephen Hawking to shame. I’m checking millimeter counts vs. price. Calorie percentage vs. past enjoyment of flavour. I’m not just checking ingredients, I am literally picking up different brands and comparing weight. Heavier is always better. Once the ice cream is bought, I work away at it for the next 2-3 days. When the frozen treat is at the house, I don’t make a big deal of it It’s there in the freezer and I know it won’t last long. Because ice cream has so much potential power over me, I have to consciously disrespect it, taking snacks whenever I feel like it, not fussing too much. “Don’t call me ice cream” I say as I slam the freezer, “I’ll call you”. This is exactly the same way that many average to shitty guys hold on to girls that are way too good for them.
The way girls buy and consume ice cream is different. I’ve never seen the buying process in action, but I'd say that Ben & Jerry’s has a good portion of the female market on lockdown. That’s the first mistake right there. The calories in Ben & Jerry’s are ridiculous, it’s incredibly rich, it’s incredibly heavy, it’s incredibly expensive. The format begs to be eaten in one sitting, which is no fun. The problems don’t end with the popular brand for females. The biggest thing is how they put the ice cream “on the pedestal”. For women, ice cream is a big event, it’s something to plan an evening around. Girls take heed here, if you buy ice cream it shouldn’t have these connotations of break ups and hardship. Ice cream is not “the dismal treat” that hollywood rom-coms would like you to make it. The next time you buy some, bring it home, put it in the freezer and go do something else for a while. You let that ice cream know that it’s nothing without you, that it shouldn’t be allowed to dictate an evening. I’m not writing this dispassionately, as I said, the power of this treat is intimidating. Together we can beat this bullying treat. I’m going to eat some spinach in front of my open freezer right now.